The Chocobo Hunt
by QueenAlla
Summary: Happy-Late-Easter! Avalanche go on a Chocobo hunt, and all is well, until the Turks come...T for minor swearing. Finished!
1. Avalanche, assemble!

Happy-Late-Easter!!! Holidays prevented me from putting this up, although really, I should have put it up before hand. All the same, I hope you enjoy this! Tell me if I should write a next chapter!

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"Alright, Avalanche, assemble!" Tifa Lockhart was standing tall and proud-well, maybe not so tall-before her former Avalanche members, who didn't appear too thrilled to be standing pointlessly in their friend's bar.

Barret snorted. "Assemble? Since when was this Military School?"

Yuffie Kisaragi was probably the most excited and determined in the room. "Come on, guys! Let's do this! Listen up to Tif'!"

Tifa blushed a little, but didn't attempt to hide her grateful smile, instead mouthing, 'Thanks Yuffie'.

Yuffie nodded sternly, and as if she were a sheepdog in a farm, began to walk down the two rows of people standing tiredly before the brunette.

"Cloud, gum out of your mouth!" She squeezed the blonde's cheeks together like a fish until he spat it out, leaving him blushing madly.

"Cid! Stop swearing beneath your breath! I'm not kidding about the soap-in-the-mouth thing, either!" Yuffie snapped, closely resembling a school teacher.

Cid continued to grumble. "I'll #!^ing swear whenever I #%^ing want to!"

"Vincent-" Yuffie began.

"Okay, Yuffie, that's enough for now, thanks. So, guys...Uh...Guys?" Tifa interrupted, staring uselessly at the restless group before her.

Aerith was tending to her bow, trying to be polite, Barret and Cloud were having a silent game of punch-you-punch-me, and the rest were looking for an exit route.

"Guys! Cheer up! It's Easter! Why the long faces?" Tifa asked, her voice, as usual, full of unwavering hope.

The group looked towards each other, desperately praying they wouldn't be the one to speak.

Red XIII noticed their hesitation, and awkwardly replied, "Usually, whenever you call us all together, it's either for spring cleaning, or the children are on the loose. I don't think anyone here is too fond of either. Sorry."

Tifa smiled cheerfully. "Well then, I guess you'll be happy to hear the good news! Being Easter time, I decided to throw a celebration-a hunt, actually."

Yuffie's eyes lit up with joy, and she began to prance and jump around like a pony. "An Easter Egg Hunt!!?? Ohh goodie, I _looove_ chocolate!!!"

Tifa sadly had to break her happiness. "Not quite."

"Huh? No chocolate!? Aw man!" The young girl's face grew dark with disappointment.

"It's a chocobo hunt. We get together in pairs and-" Tifa began to explain, but was interrupted by Yuffie's ever-changing spill of emotions.

"A chocobo hunt!? I looove chocobos!!! Almost as much as chocolate!!! And I looove getting into pairs!! Right, Vincie?"

"Yuffie." This time, Vincent's stern voice attempted to calm the hyperactive teen, and hide his mad blushing.

She turned to the cloaked figure and returned the blush. "Sorry. I'll be quiet now. As quiet as you, Vince."

Then, she walked into a nearby corner and tried her best to imitate Vincent, lowering her head and not speaking a word. The result was surprisingly peaceful.

Tifa cleared her throat, glad to be the leader once more. "As I was saying, we have to get into pairs, and then head out of Midgar. Once we're out, we must each try to find a chocobo in the wild, without any help from greens or the like. This is free-range, natural chocobo hunting!"

Of course, Yuffie couldn't help herself. "What's the prize?"

Tifa bit back a sigh. "A basket for the two winners choc-full of easter eggs and easter chocobos. With only the finest chocolate."

Cloud smirked. "You did good."

Before Tifa could reply, Yuffie interrupted with a quick chirp. "Do you pick the pairs?"

Tifa nodded. "I already have."

Aerith looked at Tifa innocently, but with a teasing expression behind her emerald eyes. "Uh, oh."

Tifa death stared the flower girl. "Aerith, you're with Vincent."

"Aww, man!" A chirrupy young voice whined from a certain corner of the room.

Aerith smirked and skipped over to the silent man, linking arms with him. "Thanks! I do so love my emo friend!"

Vincent awkwardly yawned his arm out of hers, clearing his throat and muttering, "Stuck with the dead girl."

Tifa continued her speech. "Barret, you're with Cid."

Barret and Cid, who were standing next to each other, grinned slyly. Whatever plan the two of them were concocting, it wasn't going to be pretty.

"What about me!? Me!?" Yuffie asked anxiously, jumping out from her dark corner and into the light of the room, where she belonged.

Tifa giggled at the energetic girl. "You're with Red."

"Yippee!!! I love my scruffy doggy! Almost as much as Vincie!" Knowing how much Red hated it, Yuffie ran over to him and ruffled up his fur, aiming for behind the ears.

"Tifa, I must ask, why me?" Red asked gloomily.

Tifa shrugged. "You're the most patient. Oh, and last, but not least...Cloud, you're with me!! You lucky rascal you!"

Tifa looked over at Aerith and winked-naturally accompanied by a smug grin, as she flicked the brown hair from her face.

Aerith poked her tongue out at Tifa and mouthed, 'Bitch'. Ah, today was to be a fun filled day...

Cloud, of course, noticed the silent cat fight that was going on and protested. "Tifa, maybe I should go with Vincent and leave you two together."

Tifa shook her head at the mention of it. "No, no! Vincent and Aerith were meant to be! They're both half dead. Let's go, Cloud."

Grabbing Cloud by the hand, and ditching the half clueless Avalanche, Tifa rushed towards Cloud's loving vehicle. "The hunt starts now!"

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So...Tell me if it deserves a next chapter. If so, I'll continue. If not, I'll leave it at this. Up to you! XD


	2. Interlude:Mission of the Turks

**Mission of the Turks**

Here's chapter 2 for all those people that wanted me to continue it. Hope you like! XD

"Aw, damn those bitches!" Reno of the Turks scowled as he watched the spy camera (which was inserted into Seventh Heaven for...'security reasons', as he put it) intently. Or rather, as he death stared the Avalanche members inside.

His partner Rude, who was watching a movie on the surveillance camera, turned to the redhead. "'Those bitches', you're referring to...Are they..."

Reno cut him off in his childish sulk. "Having a Chocobo hunt without me, the king of fun? Yeah."

"Those stupid assholes..." He added, only just before Rude snorted in reply.

"Leave them to do their hunt. We'll make our own. How does that sound?"

Reno began to whine. He shouldn't have stayed up 'till 2 in the morning watching Tifa sleep. "But I wanna do a hunt with Tifa, and Yuffie...and, and...Aerith...Not with that dumb bitch 'Lena!"

Rude rolled his eyes behind his dark sunglasses. He was dealing with a kid here. "Easter hunts aren't organised so that fanatical redheads can perv on chicks. That's what Rufus made Shinra New Year parties for."

"Like I care!" Reno scoffed, already taking out his PHS from his pocket and dialling a number. "Hello? Tseng? Yeah I'm drunk. I mean, wait, no that came out wrong. Uh, heh. Sir...Me and Rude are gonna go take our lunch break now."

Rude grumbled to himself. _Reno always seems to be the one in charge of everything around here. It's time for me to show a little independence for once._

"What was that Sir? Raid Avalanche!? That's preposterous!" With a flip of his PHS, Reno turned towards his bald partner just in time for the blow to his face.

"HOLY $!%!!! WHAT THE $!% WAS THAT FOR!!!???"

Rude stood awkwardly above his wincing friend, trying to comprehend what he just did. "Uh...Would you look at the time!"

Reno's eye was incapable of watching his murderous partner as he ran like hell for sanctuary.


	3. Tifa and Cloud's Hunt

**Tifa and Cloud's Hunt**

"Tifa, I admire your confidence, but aren't I the one supposed to be driving my motorbike?"

Cloud was clutching onto Tifa's waist-much to her approval, with a grim, depressed expression on his face. Being stuck with the obsessive would-be-girlfriend was less than enjoyable. It was almost as bad as being with Aerith. He'd been raped twice in the past week by that Ancient nut.

Tifa shook her hair in the breeze. She hadn't bothered to wear her helmet, unlike the overly nervous blonde behind her. "Well, you don't know where the chocobos are, do you now?"

"Actually I-" Cloud began.

"Exactly. You're as clueless as Aerith!" Tifa giggled like a schoolgirl and revved the vehicle's engine to its limits, sending it shooting past the surrounding scenery of Midgar and its panicking residents.

Cloud freaked out then. Who knew someone as brave as him could get so terrified being in Fenrir with Tifa driving? Hmm...Well, it could be expected..."TIFA!!! S-Slow down, would you!?"

Tifa cracked up. "Cloud!? Scared!? What has the world come to!?"

_Tifa losing her mental health, Aerith's mystery resurrection, and their obsessive disorders destroying my life... _Cloud retorted in his mind.

"I don't know...The Planet must be plotting revenge against me..." Cloud muttered instead.

"Huh? Oh look, here we are, Cloud!" Tifa pressed the brakes so suddenly, that Cloud was thrown off Fenrir and into the ditch in front of them.

Cloud groaned. "Stupid nutcase..."

Tifa jumped off the bike and rushed towards her fallen comrade. "Cloud, are you alright!? I'm so sorry!"

"Nngh...I'll be fine if you get off me." Cloud answered, trying to pull free of the brunettes steel grip.

Tifa loosened her 'steel grip' now, and nodded. "Sure, sweetie. Want me to kiss it better for you?"

That made Cloud jump up and run towards his bike in horror. "Uh, no need. All better, see? Now let's go look for a chocobo."

Tifa smirked. "I told you I knew where the chocobos were. So I brung us here!"

Cloud surveyed his surroundings. He was unsure of their exact location, but he knew that they were on the southern plains of Midgar.

Almost instantly, a bright yellow bird popped up in his field of vision. It was perched on a root running out from a nearby tree on its lonesome.

"Chocobo!!" Cloud gasped. "Do you have any greens, Tifa?"

Tifa's face lit up. "Of course I do! I'm the one who organised the whole competition, aren't I? Here, take some!"

She rummaged through her backpack until finally, she pulled out a handful of bright green greens, and placed them in Cloud's willing hands.

Cloud's face was a smug one. "I'm an expert at this. Watch."

The blonde slowly walked up to the resting chocobo, the greens held out in front of him. "Here chocobo...C'mere...Look what I got for you!"

His voice was soft and kind, and as his blue eyes met with the bird's, he felt a strong connection. He knew now, that his chances of catching the bird were high.

"Here, take it." Cloud offered the greens to the curious animal, grinning.

"Thanks! Much appreciated, friends!" An all too cheerful voice replied-definitely not a chocobo's. Though with the way everything was acting lately, he wouldn't have been surprised.

"Huh?" Cloud muttered, and was a little too late to realise what had happened.

Whilst Cloud was calming the chocobo, Reno of the Turks was inconspicuously hiding behind the tree of which the creature was resting at. Now the redhead, noteably wearing a crown of tree leaves that he probably stole from some chieftain within the forest, had swiftly whisked a bridle on the bird, and was riding it towards Midgar. Along with an unrecognisable howling babble.

"Get on the bike, Tifa! We're gonna go catch that tribal bastard!" Cloud shouted his order, heading towards Fenrir.

Meanwhile, Reno was having the time of his life-despite his swollen eye-, sending the chocobo in all directions as if he were a bull rider. "Yippee!!! Ahaha! It sucks to be Rude!"

Suddenly, interrupting his moment of triumph, he heard thundering steps from behind. As he turned, he realised that his sleek red ponytail had attracted a chocobo of the same colour.

"Oh crap. Uh, don't get any ideas! I, uh, I'm a married man!" That seemed to work. As the chocobo took in the man's features, it realised that the tail it was lusting over was no animal's. With that, it sprinted to it's right, towards a nearby forest where it would be safe from unfriendly chocobo impersonators.

Reno was relieved. "Phew...The thought of that...ugh...I'm not even sure that was a chick!"

"Looks like somebody's popular." The voice from behind him was close enough to be less than five meters away.

Wincing from the pain of his swollen eye, and the fear of being hurled off his mount, Reno sealed his fate and kicked the creature in the chest-hard.

"Stupid dumbass..." That was the last sound he heard before he was flung through the air and onto Cloud's unforgiving lap.

Reno looked up at the scowling blonde through his flattering aquamarine eyes, offering the crown of leaves to him. "Uh...Happy Birthday?" He tried, and failed.

Miserably.

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Avalanche-1/Turks-0 (Yes, I'm keeping a tally)

Hope you liked it so far! There's more to come, of course. I'm still workin' on it. :)


	4. Yuffie and Red XIII's Hunt

**Yuffie and Red XIII's Hunt**

Sorry it took so long! I got halfway and then continued on another story...And then another, so on, so forth...Heh. Hope you like it anyways, despite its shortness! XD

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The young ninja princess had led her partner Red XIII to the front of Seventh Heaven, where he was waiting nonchalantly for the girl to begin talking.

"Okay, so do I need a saddle or do you not mind?" Yuffie asked, scanning the creature closely.

Red choked, taken aback by the girl's unforseen request. "You intend on _riding_ me?"

Yuffie let out a very un-princess-like snort. "Well duh! How else do you think we're gonna find a-ooh look! A chocobo!"

_The impulsive child must be hallucinating..._ Red decided sadly.

The girl ran across the frenzied road, heading towards a dark alleyway. Red bolted across the road after her. If any harm came to the girl, he would be the one in trouble.

_Tifa will pay for this.._

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_So Reno thinks he can leave me out of the fun, huh? Well see about that._

The blonde Turk slammed the car door and turned on the Avalanche Tracker-a device made by Rufus Shinra himself. It was so simple to use. Speak the name of the Avalanche member you seeked, and the exact location would appear on the screen. It was Elena's favourite invention-partly due to the fact that it was the President that created it.

"Kisaragi."

Within the instant, a small target icon appeared on the screen, showing the position of Yuffie Kisaragi.

The car was already on its way.

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The materia hunting princess had cornered off the not-so-bright golden chocobo, a formidable opponent for the creature.

"...So...It comes to this..." Yuffie's brown eyes narrowed at the animal, trying to strike fear in its heart. It just stared blankly at the girl, replying with an innocent "Kwee!".

"...I see...You seek an audience with I, Princess Yuffie Kisaragi of Wutai? Hmm...I shall consider your request." The sixteen year old was tapping her foot on the concrete pavement.

"Yuffie!" She turned to see the familiar, now relieved face of Red XIII. "What are you doing, girl-oh my. You really did find a chocobo. But what is it doing in a place like this...?"

She snorted, yet again. "Beats me. Hey Red, can ya lend me a paw?"

Red slowly walked towards the girl, careful not to disturb the cautious chocobo. "What would that involve?"

"Watch the chocobo for a sec. I'm sure I've got some chocobo hunting materia in here..." Yuffie began to rummage inside her backpack crammed with materia, until finally she emerged with a satisfied "Aha!", and a shimmering gold materia in hand.

"...Put that in there...And that goes there...And, voila!" Yuffie once again faced the chocobo's clueless face, growing all the more intruiged with the girl by the moment as she let it have a death stare.

"I'm ready to speak with you, common pest." Her head was held high in the air, even as she heard Red's weary groan.

"Kwee! Squark!" It jumped in the air and charged towards the girl, who was still standing sure and steady in her place.

Suddenly, there was a gunshot, centimetres from the chocobo's yellow crested head. "KWEE!!!!"

The creature rushed around in all directions, panicking like mad until it fell to the ground, unconscious. Yuffie rushed over to the bird, and sat next to it, yelping. "Choc-ie! My birdie, oh my precious birdie! Who did this!?"

She plucked the small dart like object from the chocobo's chest and flung it away. The sound of scratching metal turned her head towards Red, who was clawing at an all too familiar car. From it, emerged the quick and nimble form of Elena of the Turks, gun aimed at Red.

"Don't shoot him!" Cried Yuffie, who had sprung towards her friend in an attempt to save him.

Elena smirked. "I don't plan to. But could you please get that rabid wolf off my car? It'll ruin the paint."

Yuffie nodded at Red, who hesitantly eased on the attack. "Hmph."

The Turk calmly walked towards the unconscious chocobo. "I hope you know I used a tranquilizer on it. I do have a soft-spot for animals."

Yuffie's eyes widened in disbelief. "Your Shinra, you don't care about anything! How can you say you care about animals when you just called Nanaki a rabid wolf, and shot my catch!?"

Elena paused. "I was only trying to help. It's just, it's been so long since I've seen a chocobo, and they're my favourite animals...I saw it and I panicked. I'm sorry..."

Yuffie smirked, pleased with the woman's lying ability. Then again, she was a Turk, so it really was no surprise.

"Nice lie. Mind telling the truth this time?"

Elena giggled. "Sure, princess. If I can share the chocolate you get for winning the competition."

Yuffie and Red's eyes both widened. "How did you know-"

"Reno. He found out, and he wanted to join in on the fun, but he left me out. So now I'm determined to show him how it's done. ...Oops." Elena had a bad habit for giving away valuable information.

Yuffie gave her a carefree shrug. "Well, you caught it, I guess...Points for you there. And Reno stinks...So I guess you can have some of my chocolate."

Red sighed and rolled his eyes. She gave in too easily. "And what did _I_ do to deserve this chocolate?"

Yuffie smiled. "You watched the chocobo for me."

_Tifa is definitely going to pay._

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Avalanche-2/Turks-1 (The Turks are getting somewhere...Slowly...)

Oh and if you're curious, the next chapter is "Aerith and Vincent's Hunt". Yay! :D


	5. Aerith and Vincent's Hunt

**Aerith and Vincent's Hunt**

Aerith was happy.

Vincent; not so much. Being trapped in a church-yes, a church-, sitting amongst white and gold flowers next to a praying Ancient, was not his idea of peaceful. He would have much rather been lying in his dark, empty coffin, dreaming about Lucrecia and regretting the mistakes of his past.

But no, Aerith wouldn't take that. She had to make him suffer, she had to make the flowers give him death stares, and she had to make sure he was tormented to the max. A big part of that was chanting meaningless jumbled words-quite loudly-throughout the church, and singing peaceful lullabies to the flowers she sat amongst.

It was more than enough to make Vincent commit suicide. If he had the choice, he would have already been hanging above the flowers from the wooden beams on the roof.

But the decision was not his. Every time he made a movement, Aerith would get her mobile phone out and threaten to call Yuffie. So really, he didn't have much choice.

After 15 minutes of unimaginable torture, Vincent felt something lightly touch his head. Without blinking, he reached up to take the object-but not before he was half-blinded by a white flash of light. Aerith had taken a photo of him, and knowing her and the state she was in, he wasn't going to like it.

"Tee-hee! You look so cute Vincie!" Aerith giggled, fluttering her eyelashes at the scowling man.

Vincent had a look of sincere disgust on his face. Of all the words used to describe him, cute was not one of them. In fact, 'cute' was probably the word he hated most.

"'Cute'?" He muttered blankly between gritted teeth. Aerith was in trouble now.

The brunette giggled once more and held up a small pink hand mirror, taking glee from the raven-haired man's rage. "See?"

Vincent growled when he saw himself in the mirror. On his head sat a crown of white and gold flowers, tied together with a green vine. He looked like a fairy princess.

And Vincent hated fairy princesses.

Strangely calmly, Vincent plucked the crown from his head and stood up. Without speaking a word, he walked across the church and placed the floral object on one of the wooden benches. Aerith watched him intently, half in amusement, half in fear. When Vincent was mad, there was no telling what he would do.

He took his pistol from his waist and aimed it at the crown. Pulling the trigger, he drew in a short puff of air, before shooting it in disgrace until all his bullets had run out-you know, just in case. And to finish off, he pointed his gun towards Aerith.

The girl gasped, half-expecting him to shoot her. Instead, he completely destroyed her mobile, and therefore, the cursed image within.

With that impressive performance, Aerith couldn't help but smile curtly. "That's it, Vincie, let out your anger...let your rage flow swiftly, and I will be there to guide it."

The enraged man hated it when she spoke so wisely, as if she were some kind of goddess. He tried so very hard to stay calm, but he just couldn't contain his emotions any longer. Nor could he remain human.

Aerith winced as she watched the metamorphosis of Vincent, who was quickly becoming a galian beast in his rage.

He look tormented, suffering a wreathing, excruciating pain that he could not banish. The ancient's instincts wanted to protect the troubled man, but in her heart, she knew there was nothing she could do. And knowing that it was she that caused him to go through this made her feel even worse.

The newly changed Vincent roared mightily, his claws scratching the empty air around him ferociously.

It was only then Aerith realised how doomed she was.

With a yelp, she fleed her church, of which she once considered sanctuary. She could hear the angered beast's thundering paws draw closer, and in a desperate attempt to save herself, she waved her staff-that had magically appeared-in the air, screaming out incomprehensible phrases like a wild bush-woman, until finally, she cast a rather fancy blue shield around herself, falling to the ground in the process.

Vincent snarled and began clawing the shield uselessly, his rage only increasing by the second. And the shield wouldn't last long enough for the beast to tire, Aerith knew. So instead of battling against her fate, she lay waiting, for she knew, it wouldn't matter if he killed her. After all, she was already dead.

Then the gunshots came.

Aerith sighed, her temper failing her. "You're really testing my patience, fate. Would you just let me die already?"

"Not on my life!" Who knew? Fate had a voice. And a life.

She looked up, only to see that Vincent was on the ground, unconscious. And standing above him with a smoking gun in hand, rather ironically, was Tseng of the Turks. Though to the raven haired man's distress, his heroic entrance hadn't caught the attention of the lovely young flower girl. She was staring, _smiling_, at something behind him, but of what he didn't see. Well, until he turned around, that was.

A perfect golden chocobo, which looked to be of fine breeding, was standing amongst her flower garden, the charcoaled floral crown sitting on it's head. The creature looked at Aerith through curious, beady blue eyes, it's head cocked to the side as if to mock her.

That made her smile even wider. Standing up, Tseng half expected-or rather, half hoped-the girl to thank him, but instead, she walked over to the chocobo and held out her hand.

"Hi sweetie..." She whispered, giggling as she heard the creature 'kwee' in joy. She had a knack for chocobo breeding, and it came naturally. "How did that get on your head, hmm? I daresay I'll leave it there. Do you like it?"

Tseng thought she was nuts. He had never interacted with a chocobo before, and he thought the only way to train one of the creatures was to shoot it with a tranquilizer gun, inject it with several sedatives and perform a brain operation on it.

"Kweh!" The bird replied, ruffling it's wing feathers in pleasure.

Aerith giggled, a sweet, innocent sound that brought back fond memories to the Turk. "Oh that's good! I think it suits you too! No, I know. I'll make you a new one. With fresh flowers. How does that sound?"

"Kweeeeh!" The creature jumped up and down on the spot several times before rubbing it's head against her face in delight.

Tseng decided it would be best to inconspicuosly walk away. But he couldn't escape before Aerith noticed him.

"I haven't forgotten about you, Tseng, don't worry!" She turned to the man and smiled, if not more sweetly than to the chocobo. "What would you like in exchange for ruining my-saving my life? Heh."

He gave her an odd stare, but he didn't hold out long before breaking into a smile. "Nothing much. Just that crown, if you wouldn't mind."

It was Aerith's turn to stare blankly. "You wouldn't rather me make you a new one?"

A smirk crept onto Tseng's lips-a rare sight. "No, I'm quite content with the old one, thankyou."

Without questioning, Aerith took the crown from the chocobo's head and placed it upon the Turk's. She knew all too well why he had requested such an item.

Tseng's smirk remained on his face as he saluted her before walking towards the exit. "Thankyou, Aerith. Your cooperation is appreciated."

Aerith frowned at that comment, puzzled. What had he meant by that?

She shrugged and stepped over the fallen Vincent, headed towards the chocobo. But what she was not expecting was to see that chocobo mounted. And riding it, she was not expecting to see Reno. He was quite the klutz these days, having trouble keeping one leg over the large yellow bird and a hand half-strangling it's neck. Yet somehow, despite of it, he still managed to escape.

Aerith was left in her smoke filled church, lying across her fallen partner, half wondering why she hadn't taken Vincent's gun and shot at the Turks, and the other half wondering what would happen when the man she was resting on woke up.

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Avalanche-2/Turks-2

O.o Looks like we have a tie at the moment...But I wonder who will score the point when it's Barret and Cid's time to hunt? Next chapter, folks. I'm hoping that one won't take as long as this chapter managed to do...sorry about that by the way.


	6. Barret and Cid's Hunt

**Barret and Cid's Hunt**

Man, this sure took a while to put up...sorry! Hope you enjoy it ^^

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Another billowing puff of cigarette smoke filled the air, forming ringlets. Cid groaned in frustration, having been contemplating whether or not to take part in the hunt Tifa had set for them. He knew it would be interesting, and possibly even quite fun, but he didn't feel quite bothered enough to do it at the moment.

The captain inclined his head towards his well-muscled friend. "Ya wanna do this thing or what?"

Barret stared at the man and took a quick swig of his beer before answering. "Got nothin' better to do. You?"

As if they had all the time in the world, Cid leaned back in his chair and took a lengthly puff or two from his cigarette.

"If you will, I will."

Barret slammed his pint of ale on the hard wooden surface, an all-knowing grin spreading across his face. "We'll bomb 'em, how'z that sound?"

Cid scoffed at the older man's idea, until one of his own came to his mind. "Well we aint tryin' to kill the creatures, but I can think of something that might work..."

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"Yeah sleepin' gas bombs!!! Ya got a problem with that?! Cause if ya can't do somethin' that simple, ya aint gonna survive on the Shera!"

"Uh, no Captain, I can do it. Right away. Uh...Captain? Where are the sleeping gas bombs kept?" Cid's newest apprentice worker onboard the Shera was obviously no expert-at his job, or at dealing with his Captain.

"WHADDYA MEAN WHERE THE $!# ARE THEY KEPT!!!???"

The poor, trembling youth was experiencing the full-forced rage of Cid, something almost all of the crew could relate to. The crew which were now either shaking their heads in disapproval, holding back snorts and laughs, or trying not to notice what was going on.

"S-sorry Captain, I'll get on it right away!" The young man stammered, rushing off towards the exit.

"They just keep gettin' worse...Maybe I'm just gettin' old."

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A lone windshield protected the inside of the buggy, a two doored vehicle that Barret had bought just under a year ago. It was his favourite toy. The dirt plains stretched out before it, letting a thousand opportuinites arise from the openness. But he was only after one. Then he saw it-a flock of 6 yellow chocobos, pecking at the ground and warking gleefully at their findings.

"Cid, release the-" Barret began to order into the walkie talkie he was carrying, but Cid had already beat him to it.

A surprisingly tiny black bomb was released from the Shera, falling quickly to its target destination. The chocobos raised their feathered heads in curiosity before warking in terror as the strange object hit the ground and released a pale green mist that soon spread across a 50 metre radius. The chocobos stopped in their tracks, and to Barret's surprise, began to sniff the air.

"Uh, Cid...That s'posed to happen?" Barret asked.

"YOU'RE $!# FIRED!!!" He heard coming from the device, "Damn stupid punk...Released the mint air freshener bomb...Stand clear man, I'm releasin' the proper thing."

Barret watched a significantly larger black bomb fall from above, this time instantly making the chocobos eyes almost pop out of their heads and start running around in circles. "WARK WARK!"

"BOOM!" A white cloud of fog began to fill the air, searching for its target. The chocobos didn't get very far before collapsing on the dusty ground, next to a freshly fallen bulky figure.

"Hey Cid, how long that stuff last before I can go in an' get 'em?" Barret asked the pilot, a good distance away from the scene.

"Give it one more minute."

The minute passed and Barret began speeding across the dirty terrain, soon parking his buggy next to the unconscious birds. Everything was going according to plan...except for what he saw next.

Laying amongst the fallen chocobos was the bulky looking, familiar form of Rude, who was sleeping like an angel with his thumb in his mouth. It looked as if he had failed his mission.

"Can't hurt to take the big baby too." Barret decided, picking up all 7 of the unconscious beings and throwing them into the back of the buggy.

"Don't forget to strap 'em!" Cid added, chuckling at the sight. "I'll meet ya back at 7th Heaven!"

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Avalanche-3/Turks-2

Avalanche is winning, as you can see. But the next-last-chapter might change that. Avalanche and the Turks unite at 7th Heaven with their findings, and one thing is for sure...Tifa isn't going to be popular. Please review! :)


	7. Ending

Last chapter! I hope you've enjoyed it so far. Remember to be good and review ^^

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"Ugh...Tifa, get me a beer." Cloud was feeling depressed at the fact that he'd been outsmarted by a Turk. Reno had demanded that the two of them duel, and if Cloud won, he could do whatever he wanted to the redhead. If Reno won, he was free to leave.

Neither of them won the duel. Apparently it was against Reno's "Tribal religion" to take part in any act of violence being a duel, and if the attacker...attacked, then they would be cursed with a lifetime of bad luck and burnt cookies. Which didn't make any sense at all, but Cloud could get a little over-superstitious at times.

"One beer on the house." Tifa slammed a pint of the strong liquid next to her blonde crush, feeling very tempted to pash him at that point in time. But she didn't want her head to be covered in alcohol _that_ badly, so instead she gazed longingly at him. Though that only scared him more.

"Pretty quiet, hey Cloud?" Tifa purred, extending a hand towards his own reluctant one.

He swallowed a huge mouthful of beer, choking as he made his reply. "Uck, cough, yeah."

"Wanna...'liven it up a little'?" The brunette was really freaking him out now, if that was even possible.

But he was saved by the squeal.

"Ooh, do I win!? I mean, we?" It was Yuffie, Elena and Red, who were hastily trying to push a large feathery chocobo through the front door. "Lookie, Tifie, a chocobo!"

Tifa looked up past her blush and smiled. "Oh, yes! Good job, Yuffie. But why is Elena here?"

Elena coughed awkwardly as she waited for the young ninja to reply. Red was the one who ended up doing so.

"Good question. Let's kick her out, shall we?"

Yuffie let out a large whoop in agreement and began to forcefully shove the Turk out the door.

"Hey, you liars, lemme back in!" Elena squealed, clawing the side of the front door in a panic.

"Don't." Cloud ordered. "Bring her in and take her upstairs."

Yuffie giggled and did as she was bid. "Someone's horny, tee-hee!"

"No," Cloud replied through gritted teeth-was he the only sane, non-tribal, non-rapist, non-animal in the building? "We're gonna collect all four Turks and make them pay for ruining Tifa's hunt."

Tifa blushed and ruffled Cloud's spike of hair. "Aww, Cloudy...Can I join in?"

"Damnit, can you just stop thinking so dirty for once in your life!?" Cloud snapped, his temper only growing as he heard a girlish giggle sound from the doorway. Aerith.

"Oh now what!? I'm gonna get caught in a threesome!? Where's Vincent when you need him!?" Cloud exclaimed, standing up and throwing his hands in the air, exhausted.

"Right here." Came the dull reply.

"Friggin...Vincent, can I borrow Cerberus?" Cloud asked, exasperated.

Vincent's eyes narrowed to glowing red slits which made Cloud regret asking. "I'd say yes, if Aerith hadn't _snapped it in half!_"

Everyone in the room winced-at both Vincent getting mad and at the fact that his ultimate weapon was broken, and by Aerith. He looked ready to kill the flower girl, which wouldn't make much sense, seeing as she was supposedly already dead.

All eyes turned to the cetra, who was battering her eyelashes as innocently as possible. "Oh Vince, don't be silly. I didn't snap it in half, I recycled and made twins!"

The silence that soon formed was interrupted by a loud snort from a certain brunette bartender, who was inconspicuosly covering her mouth with her hand.

"Shut up Tifa." Cloud snapped. "And Yuffie, put the damn Turk in my room and make sure she doesn't get out."

Yuffie looked perplexed. "But Cloud, how do I keep a Turk locked up? They're like feral cats, there's no-"

"I don't give a damn, just do it."

The young ninja nodded and led Elena up the stairs. Surprisingly, the Turk didn't make the slightest fuss. She was either certain she'd escape or she knew throwing a fit would only get her into bigger trouble. Yuffie hoped it was the latter, though she was a tad bit nervous as to why the blonde hadn't threatened her with her gun yet.

"Psst, Apricot." Yuffie whispered to the Turk as they went upstairs.

Elena's features became confused. "Apricot?"

As if it were the most obvious thing in the world, Yuffie replied simply, "Turkish apricots. They're actually quite nice. You tried them?"

Trust Yuffie to start a conversation with a captive.

Meanwhile, downstairs...

Vincent and Aerith were still arguing about Cerberus, while Cloud was trying to stop the chocobo from eating his hair, with Tifa in a fit of laughter as a result. It was quite a full house. But not full enough.

The chocobo was sent into a mad craze as the front door burst open loudly, revealing the huge gruff form of Barret and a 'parcel' he was holding, bound by straps of which the captive was trying to escape from. Cid followed from behind, smoking his ever-present cigarrette that made the girls cringe.

Although everyone else had shut up-even the chocobo-and were staring at the hulk and his meal, Tifa couldn't help but scold the captain's unhealthy obsession. "Cid, get that filthy stick out of my bar, _right now_."

Cid drew out one last breath of smoke before throwing it to the floor and stomping on it, to Tifa's major disgust. "Happy?"

Tifa's crimson eyes darkened. "I said _out_ of my bar, not on my bar floor!"

He just shrugged.

Cloud stood forward, holding the chocobo by the feathers on its neck in a manner that soothed it. "Good to see you guys return in one piece."

Barret scowled. "Hey, wa'ssat s'posed ta mean?"

"It means take Rude to my room where Yuffie and Elena are. We're gonna make them pay." Cloud replied quickly, his level of irritation exceeding his own limits.

"What'd that damn Wutai ninja do this time?" Cid wondered out loud, kicking his shoe against the tiled flooring, just to make Tifa that little bit more agitated.

Cloud instinctively looked towards Tifa, who fluttered her eyelashes in reply, to his demise. "Nothing, I meant the Turks. Speaking of those tight-ass bastards, where's the lion and his panther friend?"

Aerith smirked all-knowingly at him, twiddling her fingers. "Well...Judging by the way they left...I'd say they're right outside with their guns at the ready."

Cloud had learnt to never doubt Aerith's instinct. It had served him well one too many times. He rushed towards the front door, grabbing his sword from the table as he did so. And sure enough, when he arrived, he saw the familiar shock of red hair he knew all too well.

He swung the door open and thrusted his sword towards Reno, who quickly swiped it away with his EMR.

"Let's dance, biatch!" Reno hooted, performing a quick pirrhouette before swinging his weapon above his blonde opponent's head. Just as Cloud was sure to win, he heard a gunshot sound from a few metres away, which he blocked with ease. "Damnit Avalanche, come help me!"

He heard Cid's voice in reply. "Naw, you're a capable guy. You killed Sephiroth for Pete's sake, you can kill those disadvantaged mamma's boys."

In between blows and blocks, the blonde replied, "You're thinking of Kadaj's gang. Reno's just a tribal bastard and Tseng's a black cat..."

Tifa's voice was next. "Hey Cloud, aren't black cats supposed to be bad luck?"

"OH MY $!#ING SHIVA!!!" Cloud screamed as Reno let a bolt of electricity loose on him. His hair was fried to a crisp and he appeared to be having a twitching fit. "$!#...you...Tifa...bzzt..."

"Oops." Tifa said bluntly.

Cloud's knight in a feathery coat came sprinting to his rescue, threatening to charge Reno and Tseng in one go. It did, although it recieved a bit of a shock as it did so.

Avalanche slowly creeped out of the bar when not a sound could be heard. Their eyes were met with two unconscious Turks and two twitching chocobo heads-quite a sight.

After a minute of silent observation, the now present Yuffie wondered out loud, "Does barbequed chocobo taste good?"

Avalanche rolled their eyes and mumbled to themselves, but stopped as they saw Cloud raise a finger.

"A...little...help?" The blonde managed to squeak, looking up at the Tifa looming above him and almost jumping in fright.

Thankfully, the bartender extended a hand to him and helped him up without any unexpected goosing or kissing.

Cloud brushed himself off while grimacing at the sight of the dazed chocobo that had saved his life. Well, he wouldn't say 'saved his life'...more like, helped him out a little. He could have finished them off on his own. Easy.

"Hey...Yuffie...Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be guarding that door?" Cloud asked, scowling at the ninja in annoyance.

She just shrugged. "Well, you could say that. But Cid and Barret's collection of chocobos should be finishing them off. After all, they don't care who took them from the wild, they just want someone to take it all out on."

Cloud felt like smacking his head against the brick wall of Seventh Heaven. "5..4..3..2..1..Boom."

On cue, several gunshots could be heard from upstairs, and there was no doubt as to what it was.

"Yuffie, you're a downright $!#ing idiot." Barret swore at her, mostly outraged by the fact that he now had no chocobos to show for his prize.

The ninja princess frowned and placed her hands on her hips in defiance. "Hey, you don't have a right to call me that, big guy! I'm a Princess, so start treating me like one!"

Barret scowled, thrusting his gun in the air with rage. "I would if you acted like one!"

"Oh yeah!? Well maybe you should stop acting like such a puffed up a-hole and-" Yuffie began, but silenced as soon as she saw everyone's face's turn upwards. She followed suit, only to see Elena jump down from Tifa's bedroom window to her two fallen comrades, who were quickly waking up.

"Aah!" Tifa's scream sounded from behind her friends. Rude had her held tightly by the arms and was attempting to throw her in the helicopter that had suddenly appeared from the blue. "Let go of me!"

All of the martial arts expert's attacks were useless against the Turk, and before she knew it, all four of them were pulling her struggling body inside.

All while Avalanche just watched in amusement as the helicopter flew away.

Cloud let out an exhausted sigh. "The Turks did something useful for once."

Aerith grinned slyly, and Cloud almost wished Tifa had never left. "_Very_ useful."

Cait Sith, who no one had even seen to begin with, looked rather proud of himself. "Reeve did that, you know. Tifa is going to be Hojo's latest experiment."

Although Avalanche were plotting revenge on the bartender, the news still shocked them. Tifa was still their friend.

"What!?" Cid yelled. "You're letting Tifa be a damn guinea pig to that creep!?"

"I thought he was dead." Vincent mumbled under his breath. "First Aerith, now Hojo. Did I die and go to hell?"

"No, I mean..." Cait Sith said quickly, realising how much trouble he would get into if he didn't correct himself. "Hojo's making sure Tifa's...Cloud?"

Yuffie looked puzzled. "Tifa is Cloud? Wha?"

Cloud had the strangest feeling growing in his stomach. Like it was being consumed by worms. "Yeah?"

"Tifa's got a surprise for you." Cait Sith clapped his hands together and shook Cloud's own.

The feeling was gone, replaced by a mortified, nauseating sensation that made the Ex-Soldier want to jump off a cliff.

"Oh dear God." He was on the verge of tears.

Avalanche watched as Cloud jumped on Yuffie's chocobo and rode away. Far away.

After a minute or two of silence, it finally dawned on Aerith. "Oh. So _that's_ why Cloud left at the end of the game."

Yuffie looked blankly at the flower girl. "What?"

"He was upset that _Tifa_ was the rapist, not me." She replied, a silly looking smile plastered on her face.

"Whatever." Yuffie muttered. "I'm just mad 'cause no one wins the chocolate. I mean, I'd ask Cloud where Tifa kept her stash hidden, if he were here. Speaking of which, why didn't he take his motorbike?"

Barret answered for all of them with his wise words. "I dun' know, but I can tell ya one thing...We've #!$ed up Advent Children, that's for sure."

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Yikes. The ending turned this fanfic into a parody! And I think there was some OOC'ness in there too...Please let me know how it went! ^^


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